This was and continues to be a huge epiphany for me:
Fear of Judgement
Judgement of self
Judgement from others
Playing the role of JUDGE or DEFENDANT puts us in an “Other” category… that we are somehow BETTER or WORSE than the humans we share this Earth incarnation with.
I have lived so much of my life dampened by the fear of judgement. It is, of course, a big reason why I drank so much so often: I could stop caring what others *might* think of me, and felt more free to be ME. Weird, Wild, Funny, Crass, Nerdy, Emotional.
(At least for that Golden Place in intoxication where the inhibitions are lowered but body control is still high. This is the elusive White Rabbit that all drunks chase. It feels like one more drink will keep you there, but it only pushes you further off the precipice. Annie Grace explains the biology and brain chemistry behind this really well in her book This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol.)
I have felt my Fear of Judgement bubble up as I began to think about sharing my stories in a public way.
How many people will read my words and be rattled by some of my extreme behavior? I worried. My stories might be too bare or too raw, and people will back away with hands raised, not wanting to get too close to my fire. They would remove themselves to the “OTHER” circle and look upon my experiences with judgement to keep my pain and my struggles separate from their own:
- She is bad.
- She is fucked up.
- I would NEVER do that.
- How COULD she?
- What a Freak.
- What a Mess.
- She’s not fit to be a Mom.
These are the voices that run in loops in my own inner dialogue. These voices kept me self-abusing for decades and kept me quiet about my struggles even after I began healing.
Yet as Deepak Chopra says, we “are the same self in different disguises.” We are all connected at soul level, so my pain is your pain, your struggles are my struggles.
And it goes the same for POWER and STRENGTH and SHEDDING of FEAR and SHAME.
Say “Thanks, but NO THANKS” to those voices of judgement – of self AND others. I hear you calling Judgement, but I will not follow you.
When we can reach in and hold each other in our shared human-ness we will be connected in love and positive power.
Her power is my power
My power is your power
Your power is their power
Together we rise in flame.
©Vixen Lea 2020