I have been sinking. I am physically embodying the effects of this time of isolation and the resulting depression. I have zits; I am gaining weight; I feel tired and irritated all the time. The other day, when I smiled spontaneously at my daughter, my husband was startled: “You should smile more,” he said. “You look great when you smile.”
I know I need to figure out how to get some happiness and self-care back in my life, but I don’t know where or how to start. Food and exercise, yeah sure, but how? I’ve got a list of excuses every day, and mostly I just want comfort.
After my meditation this morning, I asked my unicorn cards for some guidance (as I occasionally do when I feel stuck or lost). I shuffled and shrugged as I cut the deck one final time to reveal my card:
hm. Not exactly the spiritual message I was hoping for.
I read the card: You may be angry at a situation in life [well, fuck-a-duck, ain’t that the truth]. Don’t repress or deny your anger. It can be the force that pulls you out of a swamp of lethargy, hopelessness, or doubt. It can be the surge of power you need to overcome what is disempowering you. Acknowledge your anger. Get to the heart of what is compelling you and let yourself be Angry.
[It didn’t take long for the tears to start coming as I scribbled furiously in my journal. I believe I would have roared if my family wasn’t downstairs. So here it goes – my anger release…]
I AM SO ANGRY AT THIS! THIS FUCKING VIRUS, THIS FUCKING PANDEMIC BULLSHIT. FUUUUCKKK!!! I don’t want to live like this – in hiding, in constant fear!
I AM SO ANGRY that we have to just go along with the “rules” set out every day by the Powers That Be. I am angry that everything is unknown and no one has any real answers. I am angry that people are trying to act like they are just fine. I am angry that more people aren’t also angry, and the ones who are carry guns and are legitimately crazy.
I am angry that we are expected to decipher the media in order to protect our lives. I’m angry about my own guilt for wanting to go out and live. I’m angry that I can’t just BE content and satisfied with being trapped.
I’m angry that everything I love has been cancelled indefinitely. I’m angry that schools are going to be doing some fucked up hybrid schedule next year. I’m angry that my kid can’t learn in a virtual classroom. I’m angry that his first years of school are twisted and wrong.
I’m angry that my friends aren’t hanging out with me. I’m angry that my kids are lonely. I’m angry that my parents aren’t going to spend time with their grandkids. I’m angry at myself that I’m angry at my friends and family when it’s not their fault.
I’m angry that I’m not taking better care of myself. I’m angry that my gym and yoga studio are closed and I’m angry that I’m using that as an excuse to do nothing. I’m angry that my husband keeps buying bags of M&Ms and I’m angry that I eat all of them.
I’m angry at science for not saving us yet and I’m angry at myself for being naïve.
IT’S NOT FAIR! NONE OF THIS IS FAIR AND IT SUCKS!
I’m so sick of doing this and pretending that everything is going to be ok. I just want my life back. I don’t want to “prepare for a new normal.” I want “Old Normal.” I want my kids to have a summer. I don’t want to feel scared anymore.
So there. Temper tantrum thrown. ✔️
I do feel a little better.
I think we all need to remember that anger is an acceptable emotion to feel right now. Don’t get me wrong, I feel lots of other things too, but maybe I’ve been trying so damn hard to make myself feel OK that I’ve denied myself the right to really get angry about all this.
So my unicorns and I give you permission – GET PISSED. Go ahead and have a fit if you need to. (Feel free to post it in my comments; I offer safe harbor for your anger release.)
©Skye Nicholson 2020
Read: Of Fear and Truth