It’s time for me to release my blogging pseudonym.
As I continue towards manifesting my dream of creating an empowerment and healing community for women, I have decided that it is best to lower my shield and drop my armor. In order to be a genuine coach and facilitator for women working to heal and grow, I need to stand in my truth – FULLY AND COMPLETELY.
(Besides, most people who know me personally know by now that I write this blog. I’m not fooling anyone anymore!)
To continue to operate under this persona would be counterproductive to my future coaching business venture. I want to attract potential clients because they feel connected to my story. I want this blog to serve as a window into myself — to openly share my own insights and struggles as I move through the challenges of living a razzle-dazzle life.
So I introduce you to ME: Skye Nicholson (the blogger formerly known as Vixen Lea). Hey. Howya doin?
Let me explain why I felt I needed a pseudonym in the first place.
When I initially starting writing at the beginning of 2020, I opened up the floodgates to old stories of dark parts of my past. This was my shadow work. Some of the things I wrote down had never before seen the light of day: things I could barely admit to myself. I had already been on my razzle-dazzle journey for 2 years, but this was the first time I could honestly look these old memories in the face. Though I published a few of these pieces (Read: Losing My Shit), there are still several on my computer at home that will probably remain there. Not everything needs to be shared at this point; the medicine was in the writing. The healing began for me when I saw the words in black and white on the computer screen and realized the world did not come crashing down when I faced these truths.
I needed to come clean to myself and shake the darkness out in the light. I did show these darker pieces to a few select friends, women I trusted, simply because I needed someone else to read the words. I don’t feel that I need the whole world to know EVERY sordid detail of my drinking past, but I needed at least one or two witnesses in order to make it real.
There is a part in the 12 steps that requires you to “make amends” with anyone you may have wronged because of your addiction. Though I have not worked these steps as part of my recovery, I feel there is some value to this task. Not necessarily reaching out to everyone from your past, but rather facing the truths yourself. Looking at these memories through a new lens (that of sobriety) and coming to terms with the ugliness you might find is very powerful. It takes a bit of courage. It is only by facing the real raw truth of things that you can begin to forgive yourself. And self-compassion, my friends, is the root of all healing.
So I began writing these stories and some early poetry, and they started piling up on my computer. A few of my friends encouraged me to start a blog, if not just to keep track of everything in one place. They said that they even thought people might resonate with my recovery story. Although I was intrigued by the idea, I was resistant at first. Part of me desired to be known, but at the same time I was fearful of the wrong people knowing too much about me. What would my parents think? The teachers at my kids’ school? The neighborhood moms? I felt like I needed a disguise in order to be comfortable enough to go public.
She has served me well. I have been able to open myself up in ways that were quite vulnerable and a bit scary. Through this process I have gained confidence and ownership over my story and my transformation. I have released a lot of the shame that I had carried with me for years (a reiki practitioner once referred to my shame baggage as a UHaul). Vixen Lea helped me, like a blankie, when I needed to feel the security of being just a little bit covered up.
But I’m not releasing her entirely. I will continue to use Vixen Lea as my pen name for writing poetry. I have built a small but growing poetry following on Medium as Vixen Lea, and hope to publish a chapbook of selected works within the year. Poetry is my creative outlet for processing current emotions and repurposing the past. It is my craft and my personal therapy. Creative writing will definitely be a part of my offerings in future workshops and events. By keeping my pseudonym for my poet persona, I can hold it separate enough from my work in recovery and empowerment, yet continue to spiral it in as appropriate.
Today I shed the armor. Today I drop the shield.
I’ve also given the website a facelift and reorganized my content. Click back to the homepage and let me know how it looks! Thank you for taking time to be a part of my journey. ❤️
You can check out some of my shadow work poems by clicking the links below!