Behind the Smiles

There is so much we don’t see behind the smiling face in a photo.

Smile for the camera!

I don’t have it all together.
I don’t have my shit figured out. 
I don’t know the answers.
I have been crying.
I was crumpled on the bathroom floor.
I was screaming into my pillow.
I was calling my best friend and telling her I quit.
I was fighting with my spouse.
I was saying the wrong things.
I was yelling at my kids and hating myself for it.
I was wondering what is the purpose of it all.
I was wishing I didn’t have to get out of bed.
I was sure I could not do it for one more day.

This is not a post of sympathy.
I am not looking for concern or asking for assistance.

Before I clicked ‘post’ I wondered to myself, Who would want an Empowerment Coach who admits all this mess?

I don’t know. Maybe no one.

Who would want an Empowerment Coach who pretends they are NOT a mess?

I do have tools, and I (mostly) try to use them. I used to numb all the heavy emotion, loneliness, fear, and shame with alcohol. Now I have better, more effective and useful tools (although I do still find myself standing at the counter eating the Christmas cookie icing out of the container sometimes). The shit still happens. Life is still hard. Emotions still take me over. I make mistakes all the time. I feel alone and lost some days. 

I write all this because I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

The difference in the more-healthy-version of me now versus before (when I was drinking a lot), is that it don’t get so lost in the shit that I can’t find my way out. My tools help me sift through the hard stuff and find light again. Sometimes it takes a day or two, but I can always find it. 

Social media posts are bastard liars. They show a fraction of the roller coaster of life. I am not always smiling. I am not always confident. I struggle—often. This journey is hard for me too.

Sending you love this holiday season. You are not alone.

It’s okay to not be okay.

2 thoughts on “Behind the Smiles

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